Murphy is a Labrador, who has years of experience in the study of human behaviour.

Here he shares some of his pearls of wisdom with you...

(Please note this page is intended as a humourous "tongue in cheek" look at life, dog training and mud from a dog's perspective. Murphy's comments do not reflect the views of the McKaynine Training Centre and his advice should NOT be followed. Ever. We mean it. Ever!)

Dear Murphy,

How many cats would it take to pull me on a skateboard? I’m an English Bulldog and I weigh 25Kgs. Dad & I are planning the most awesome YouTube video ever and we need to know how many cats are needed.  Dad is guessing 20.

Spike, Bulldog, Krugersdorp West

Spike,

Even a billion cats would not pull you anywhere… Making even two cats run in the same direction is almost impossible.  Hundreds or thousands of cats tied together in harness and you will have a blood bath, which would make for a horrific (not awesome) video.

Woofs, Murphy

 

Dear Murphy,

Since my dad’s girlfriend (and her cat) moved in with us, I don’t get to sleep in the bed anymore.  My dad is completely obsessed about this woman!  Worse – she hates my guts!  She keeps moving my stuff and putting me outside.

She shouts at me when I come inside all wet and muddy from running in the rain or rolling in dead things.  She makes me eat out of a bowl outside and not off dad’s plate like I used to.

Should I try to get my dad to choose between the girlfriend and myself?

Jack, Labrador, Florida

Jack,

The woman must go — one way or another.   

You need to draw your dads’ attention to the terrible things she is doing to you.  When she puts you outside, bark and howl your head off until your dad lets you in.  If she takes you for a walk, bolt off dragging her down the street. 

Remember always look innocent when your dad is around.  Make it impossible for him to believe that you are doing these terrible things.  Either he will kick her out or she will leave on her own.

Good luck.

Woofs, Murphy

 

Dear Murphy,

Why do cats have nine lives and dogs only have one?

Buddy, Boxer, Fairlands

Buddy,

Cats don’t have nine lives…  Which is why you often see them flattened on the road instead of scheming to take over the world.

The nine lives bit is merely a saying, or a superstition perhaps, because they have quick reflexes and an extraordinary ability to keep their balance and righting themselves when falling.

They only seem to have nine lives because they can survive high falls with no or very minor injuries.  However, a newborn kitten (with all nine lives still accounted for…) will, when falling from the top of Sandton City, end up as flat as a pancake.

Trust me on that!

Woofs, Murphy

 

Dear Murphy,

How do I tell if my hoomin is intelligent?  I’m not quiet sure.  Sometimes he has moments of sheer genius and other times, I wonder what I’m going to do with him.  Once he instead of throwing the ball in front of him, he threw it that it went right over his head and landed behind him. 

Anonymous, Border Collie, Krugersdorp

Anon,

So, what’s the problem?  Just because he throws the ball like a girl, doesn’t necessarily mean he’s stupid. 

Hoomins sometimes do strange things and mess up on things – after all they are only human.  Stop being such an over-achiever and appreciate him for who he is.

Woofs, Murphy

 

Murphy's take on....Mud & Sticks

Mud

“Mud, mud, glorious mud.”

Mmmmm, muddddd!  It feels and smells good, but its’ real value lies in the apoplectic fit it seems to cause humans!  A mild-mannered housewife soon turns into a desperate housewife with a little planning.

There’s a dam near where I live that dries out in winter and after rains in summer, it is a sight to behold.  The stink of rotten vegetation turns doggie heads and no amount of shouting and calling stops us from running to indulge ourselves.  We frolic, we play, we try to bound but we fall, it’s the next best thing to liver treats.  Then we make our way back to our owners and home and that’s where the real fun starts.

Don’t work hard, work smart – once you’ve got a nice coat of mud you can spread the joy by jumping on other dogs (the paler the better) so they can wreak havoc for you. 

Sticks

Sticks for dogs are like chocolate for women.  There’s nothing more satisfying than a good stick. 

For some reason sticks often get us into trouble.  We can’t help that.  No, we can’t help it if we can’t identify the nuances of sticks.  To us a bit of tree is simply that.  We don’t get why you humans honour something that’s purely there to pee against.  We don’t see the need for your so-called chairs or chopping boards – you just over-complicate life.  Wood is there to get your teeth into: rather like a good book on bone’s or, my personal favourite 101 things to do when your owner’s out. 

I like to think I’m a bit of an authority on sticks so stick around and let me educate you:

• All sticks are good

• Sticks are never too big and you can never bite off more than you can chew, you just need to give it time.

• Sticks are a valuable source of nutrition – numerous animals eat leaves – we just prefer to think big. 

A word of caution:  only experience will help you avoid choosing the wrong type of sticks, but if it’s outside the house it’s generally safe.  This, however, is not the case if a human is leaning on it.  These humans are fairly easy to identify by their grey fur and the stale smell of old food on their clothing.  Approach with caution, they’re often more feisty than their frailty suggests and are never inclined to let you have the stick.

Like all things in life there is the exception to the rule: it’s always safe to take the stick if the person is blind.  The security is lax - those dogs they have never put up a fight so go for it.  The chaos it creates is priceless and well worth the minimal effort involved.

Woofs, Murphy

 

Murphy's take on....Wasps & Dreams

If there is one thing that I hate more than cats, it’s wasps.  Wasps or bees for that matter, with their buzzing are just begging me to chase them and snap them up.  I reckon if we could translate their buzzing it would say something like “cooooommmme and get meeeeee, you’llll be sorreeeeeee” so I do, but man does THAT story have a sting in the tail. 

I just never seem to remember that all stripey flying things are a spiteful combination.  On their own flying things, like frisbees are fine.  Stripey things like zebras are nice despite the mental scarring of being a freakish cousin of the horse.  A lesser animal would have hang-ups about looking so ridiculous.  But I digress.

Bees have stupid names.  I mean why the extra “e”?  Be is perfectly adequate and bees are just annoying.  Yup, they’re another one for my list, though at least they die if they sting me, hah!

A wasp, however, is mean.  He’ll sting you just because and the pain’s worse than the time mom accidentally shut my tail in the car door.  I know we’re not meant to make a fuss or it’ll make them angry, but they get angry even if you just look at them funny.

Speaking of looking funny, do I look as stupid when I dream as the bitch I live with?  By the way that’s Scout, not my mom.  Scout looks and sounds like she’s having an epileptic fit when she dreams: all twitches and air-running, with these funny snorting & squeaking noises.  It’s embarrassing and I really hope I don’t do that.  I did try to save her dignity one time by pouncing on her, but clearly this frightened the hell out of her judging by the yelp and the little bit of wee that escaped: we both got told off for that, which was unfair as Scout was the one behaving like an idiot, I was just trying to help.

But that’s just the story of my life I guess: often misunderstood, but generally my heart’s in the right place. 

Woofs, Murphy